His Great Plan

We were young.  By many accounts too young.  We met when I was 18, dated when I was 19, graduated college and got married when I was 21 (he was 23).  We both had jobs but we were pretty much broke.  “Going Out” was getting a pizza, eating turkey for two months (this is no lie), and possibly splitting a 6-pack of Rolling Rock in our backyard.  At the time, we were struggling but we didn’t really care.  Truthfully we didn’t know any better.  Young and dumb.  Those were the days.

…. And then we decided to start a family.  We had a plan. We were still young (and dumb) and probably didn’t consider the possibility that just because you decide to start a family it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen.  Life was beautiful. I mean who doesn’t love trying to have a baby? I got pregnant, and we were over the moon, as you would expect.  It was right before Christmas and our families showered us with baby things galore…it was magical. (Think baby crib, sheets, paint on the walls- we had gotten a little ahead of ourselves don't you think?  That's what you do when you're YOUNG AND DUMB.)  Right after the New Year we went in to hear the heart beat…COULD. NOT. WAIT. 

But there wasn’t one.

Truthfully, at the time, words didn’t apply to what we were feeling. There were none, as we were completely taken off guard.  I thought for those weeks that I had this beautiful baby growing inside of me, but I didn’t.  I felt lonely and empty.  I was scared.  To be totally honest I didn’t feel worthy and I was fearful that if I couldn’t give my young, handsome, husband a baby that maybe he would trade me in for a better model. (He NEVER made me feel this way, but these were the honest thoughts going through my mind.)  I felt broken, both physically and emotionally.  I didn’t trust Gods plan, heck I don’t even think I was considering if he had a plan because I was drowning in my own dark waters.

That time from January until our daughter arrived that September (the most beautiful story saved for a different day) I learned the hard way that growth doesn’t come from getting what you want.  Growth is derived from being denied what YOU want, what you think is best, and instead being immersed in God’s plan for you. (Sometimes whether you like it or not.)  HIS plan is always greater and much more beautiful than you could ever plan for, or create, for yourself.  Trust me on this one, even though that may be true…..being in the trenches can feel like your own personal hell.

I wanted to have a baby.  I couldn’t understand how people who didn’t really want babies had them, and yet we so desperately wanted one, but we were being denied.  We loved each other and we had a terrific family that would do anything for our baby.  We weren’t rich but we could provide food and shelter and an abundance of love.  We loved the LORD for goodness sakes. DONE DEAL IN OUR HEADS.  But GOD said ‘NOT SO FAST.’

The truth is that we weren’t ready.  God knew that we needed to look to him FIRST.  He had a plan much greater than our own.  We needed to be reminded that in all ways he is in control.  Our plan was just that: OURS. HE KNEW that we needed to grow in HIM before we could give life to another.  (I praise him, NOW, for this.)  We weren’t denied because we were young and dumb. We were denied because he KNOWS ALL and knew exactly what we needed at that time and always.  He KNEW our hearts so clearly that he was preparing us for another birth… one that we didn’t plan for… didn’t know about… didn’t grow inside of me but in our hearts and out of HIS GREAT LOVE for us and for our daughter. It was HIS GREAT PLAN... the one that was so much better than OURS could ever be.

Change

Change is hard.  We are all creatures of habit and when faced with circumstances that force us to break from that habit it doesn’t feel good.  It can be scary and intimidating.  Downright uncomfortable actually! For some, it can also be exhilarating and exciting.  I like my comfort zone, but I’ve also always appreciated shaking things up a bit.  I love adventure as long as it doesn't have to do with heights.  One year ago tomorrow, my family and I mixed it up.  We took an amazing opportunity and did something that was….well unconventional, really.  This journey changed my whole life; in perspective, and attitude.  We were, in my opinion, given an amazing opportunity to go live in Tuscany for seven weeks.  Each of our lives changed.  My world view was profoundly impacted.

On our way and my first night with our new friends.  Tania felt like I had known her forever.

Our journey imprinted deeply in our hearts.  Not only did we experience the beautiful countryside that only Tuscany provides, but we were blessed with relationships that blossomed and will continue to for the rest of our lives.  We were afforded the opportunity to live in paradise and be accepted there.  Words will never express how it felt to be living in your own fairytale.  Just like all good stories ours had some rough patches. The kids and I had extremely sad moments.  They saw their mom in a heap on the couch (more than once- not proud I promise) crying because she missed their dad.  It took me, in my own self evaluating opinion, a little too long, to grasp the enormity of what we were doing as a family and get over myself.  I, however, pulled myself up by the bootstraps, as my grandpa would say, and immersed myself in a country that was not my own but captured my heart just the same.  We had way more beautiful days than we did sad ones and on the last day alone as four, when our family was arriving, I found myself longing for just a little bit (or a lot) more time with them in this place.  Hindsight right? 

I learned a few things when I was allowing myself to experience this self-pity party, however.  Seriously, I was a bit of a wreck and pretty upset with myself for allowing my kids to see it.  Who does that?  Ashamedly, me.  We were living in freaking Tuscany and I’m boo hooing about missing their dad.   At one really low point one of them asked me if he had died and I wasn’t telling them because they couldn’t understand the hysterics they were seeing.  Parenting fail!!!   It was that day that I realized I alone was setting this dark narrative.  I was creating what their minds would remember about this once in a lifetime opportunity- or they may view it as the lack thereof. No matter what or how I was feeling it was up to me to make the most of this special time.  I was in charge of the changes we were experiencing and I needed to do a better job of giving them my best foot forward so they experienced them through their sweet rose colored glasses, instead of my tinted ones (which, by the way, shouldn't have been tinted in the first place, he was coming to visit). Why waste another day?  Seize the moment. 

No matter where we find ourselves in our lives, change is usually right around the corner.  Nothing stays the same.  Some people experience change in big ways when they are young and some don’t experience them until they are older.  Even when I’ve experienced the kind of change that has carried with it great pain and diminished my hope, I have learned, grown and gained from it. My faith is definitely my anchor. No matter what none of us are immune to change, but how we deal with it determines our path.  What I realized on our friends couch, in Tuscany, was that not only was I blessed but that these kids were looking to me for hope and happiness.  (On a side note why the heck was I allowing myself to cry on a couch in Tuscany- I should have at least gone outside to be surrounded by the beauty. I digress.)  These three people in my charge were in a foreign country probably not totally sure why we were there if their mother was going to act like this.  I was feeding into a bad narrative.  I needed to change my own behavior.

That sadness wasn’t our story.  Our story was beautiful. Our story was one of deep bonds, abounding beauty, scenery that was divine and gratitude for the entire journey.  It was anchored around communal tables with people from all different backgrounds, countries and beliefs.  We were talking, disagreeing, laughing, sharing and respecting one another.  We had friends and family that visited. The truth is that this is my side of our story.  I long to go back.  My heart aches when I see pictures.  I would jump at any opportunity to be there.  RIGHT. THIS. MINUTE.  My kids don’t feel exactly like that. (Four weeks tops they tell me- HA.)   I tainted their waters.  I ruined a part of their narrative.  I have the ability in my adult brain to separate (or forget because I’m getting old) a few sad days from the absolutely memorable and life changing time we had.  I look back with absolute love and desire.  I crave my friends there.   They don’t.  (They do miss their friends, and talk about them a lot,  but they don’t crave it like I do.  I figure in time they will.)  I set that tone by allowing them to see my sadness and I alone put a road block in our journey.  Thank God this was a familial opportunity and not a life altering attitude or perception that I was helping to create.

 Some of our favorite memories.

How we deal with change starts at home.  As parents, especially, we have an enormous responsibility to teach them love, patience, acceptance, compassion, courage and strength.  Our actions and reactions to all situations are being observed, ingested and repeated.  (That makes me sick to my stomach because I DO NOT want them to repeat so much of what I say and do.)  Let that sink in a minute. If you’re anything like me I WANT A DO OVER!!!  If you breathe, change is going to happen.  It’s a fact.  If you are reading this you may look at my family living in Tuscany for 7 weeks as a good change, right?  Well clearly there were a few days when I first got there that I DID NOT see it that way.  (I DO NOW THOUGH.)  I wasted precious time, and opportunity.  Change is all about perspective.  Most of the time,  hindsight provides us with the perspective we wish we would have had when we were walking through that change.  If I could have gotten out of my own head and exhibited strength, love, and excitement from the beginning,  even if I wasn’t feeling it, they would have most likely looked at their journey differently.  We alone are in charge of how we deal with change and how we present ourselves to the world.  We cannot expect greatness out of others if we are not demonstrating it ourselves.  We may not like every change that happens to us or because of us.  They don’t always feel good. We don’t even always have to want to be in it… but we are. 

We chose, as a family to go to Tuscany.  We chose our change but when Jon left the first time I DID NOT WANT TO BE THERE WITHOUT HIM.  It didn’t feel good.  I was scared to death.  I feared for my children…..being in a foreign country, not speaking the language…oh the details.  Had I not allowed myself to get rid of my own self-pity and start experiencing life in Tuscany I wouldn’t have created those deep bonds or fallen more in love with a place that truly holds part of me.  My kids may not want to go ‘live’ there without their dad again. I do know, however, that once I allowed them to start experiencing the beauty of the people and the place instead of MY sadness, their chains came off and they started to see it for what it was and not what I was showing them that it was in those first dark days. They were able to experience our circumstances for the absolute beauty of the moments and LIVE, instead of being handcuffed by the change that their mother wasn’t sure about.  They made friends and wanted to take adventures.   They knew the towns, restaurants (because thats of the utmost importance), and museums by name and communicated with the beautiful people that they were now familiar with.  They embraced the change.

My passion, your passion, for both good and bad things are viewed by impressionable people in and outside of our homes.  One of the many life lessons that I learned in beautiful Cortona was that my attitude and passion have a direct correlation with how others around me view and react to life.  With every change we must look for the beauty and the relationships that we can develop and strengthen and the example we can be... had I not figured that out when I did, had I wallowed in my fear of change, I would have missed out on the greatest journey of our lives and people that I value more than the change I feared.

“Life’s about changing.  Nothing ever stays the same.”  Patti Loveless

Reasons Why I Shouldn't Home School But I Do Anyway

Every year around this time my heart starts to sink.  I see darling pictures posted of kids in new clothes ready to begin new adventures.  I hear the roaring of the diesel engines barreling down my street.  I watch as young kids carry book bags half of the size of them with all of their fun new supplies coming out of the top. I look out as my kids are throwing a line and jumping in the lake... sigh. I breathe really hard and pray to God almighty we are doing the right thing. 

As a homeschooling parent I get a whole lot of questions about WHY I would choose to keep my kids home. Am I hiding them from something? Am I scared of the world? Am I crazy? (For those that know me DO NOT answer that!) So many people think they wouldn’t be capable of such a decision, which is not true, but it may not be for you and your family.  That is OK!

Here are some of the reasons why I’m sure I shouldn’t homeschool, but I do anyway.

#1. Socialization. THIS IS THE BIG ONE!!! Are you worried your kids are going to be weird? You know people never walk up to someone and tell them that their baby is ugly but they have NO PROBLEM denouncing homeschooling from the get go. They worry that my kids may be weird and different because they don’t ride the bus or attend a school with hundreds of kids their age. They talk too much, like to be home a little too much or they don’t text enough. I get it my kids ARE different… and so are yours….. and so am I… and so are you. Do you think that I haven’t thought of this when you ask me? I promise I see things for what they are and although I appreciate our open conversations, truly I do, I do think of these things.  My children’s personalities started blossoming long before I was even thinking about school. Each one of them is different. One is CRAZY social. One is quite social and the other one is comfortable in smaller groups. School would’t have changed that. Do you think that I want to harm my children in any way shape or form to give you a good conversation piece when you walk away from me? I was probably thinking of your entertainment when I decided to do it! The truth is that our children have different experiences but anyone could argue for or against the way both of us are doing it... and we would probably both be right AND WRONG.

School Day in Florence, Italy.

#2. Opinons about Perfection. Everyone’s got one. Homeschooling your child does not make them perfect children. This is not a litmus test on parenting either. Let’s throw that ill conceived notion out ASAP and get real. They are going to act like kids and do kid things just like kids that attend school. They make mistakes and so do we!!  We are not doing Quantum Physics all day or reciting the Declaration of Independence.  (I mean some homeschool's may be but NOT MINE.)  They may not be stellar workers all the time, they act like…..KIDS!!! HMMMMM I’m not sure that I’ve met too many kids that don’t act like kids, so maybe they’re more normal than I thought.  Its interesting to me that homeschooled children can tend to be under a microscope with people continually looking to see where their flaws lie.  Constant quizzes arise to 'see' what they are learning.  Rest assured, they have flaws and shortcomings, and so do their parents so look no further!

 #3. Always Home. Yep my kids are always home. Every day. All year. Until they aren’t. This has it's disadvantages and advantages. Somedays I’m sure they wish they could run away. Somedays I totally wish I could.  Hopefully sometimes we are all on the same page and glad to be together. Days when we wake up to 2 ft of snow or below freezing temperatures I thank God that I can send them downstairs to get school work done instead brave the elements… I’m selfish like that.  There are beautiful moments in the chaos of always being home, like doing Literature with a quick hug from mom on her way by.  There are also tough times that we all need to figure out how to work through.  We are doing life a little differently than the mass population but we are still doing life.

#4. Curriculum. I should be worried that they aren’t learning the same exact things that kids in school are learning. Should I be? You are probably right. They may not be learning the exact same things as school kids are learning. I am so impressed with my friends kids!! So impressed. I also know, however, that my kids are learning and experiencing seriously cool things that they couldn’t otherwise. I’d say win/ win on both fronts.  We may not follow the Common Core, but the core of our curriculum is faith, values and common sense.  

#5. We wear long skirts. I do wear long skirts, and wayyyyy to short of skirts. I wear high heels, make-up and ohhhhh I also have a nose ring. My hair isn’t in a bun, in fact it’s a pixie cut. You know what though. I know some people, who because of their beliefs, they do wear long skirts and buns all the time. They are some of the most lovely people I know. We may believe different things AND we are both homeschooling. I hate to say this but it needs to be said; if sending your kids to school is to expose them to everything, then how can we judge with any amount of integrity the stereotypical homeschooler?  Just saying. 

#6. Close Minded. They may turn out judgmental because they haven’t been exposed to you know… the world. Refer to number 5. Not all homeschoolers are alike. SHOCKER… I know this comes as shocking news but just like not all of your child’s classmates are alike, yeah neither are all of us homeschoolers. I do love Jesus… so there’s that. I also like me some wine, cuss a little and really use poor judgment (like writing this blog) a lot. My kids have been around the world and exposed to cultures that I have only experienced with them for the first time, and I was a public school girl. So I guess there’s that too.

In life we are all doing the best we can, most of the time.  Don't think for 1 iota that my husband and I don't consider all of the things that people think in their heads about homeschooling.  We have chosen this path for our children and our family.  I welcome the honest conversations and curiosity with an open heart and definite humor.  I also appreciate the same respect and consideration that I try to extend to your family.

At the end of the day we all love our children.  We may be doing it differently and that is beautiful.  Like I said before, that roar of the bus gets me at this time of year... sometimes I think I should jump on it myself!  I compose myself, however, look back at my kids and am grateful for the choice we've made. I believe that one of the best lessons in education that we can instill in them is to love everyone:  race, religion, schooling, ability, disability and socio-economic status.  It doesn't matter where our children go to school, or how good they are at anything, if we all focus on the goodness in humanity and the respect of each other our children will all succeed in this life.

From my family to yours- may God bless all of your children this school year!

The Value of Time

The older I get (seriously it’s happening at warp speed) the more I think about value in all things and all ways.  What do I value?  Who am I?  Do my actions and my time align with who I say I am and who I really am?  A long time ago a wise person, or so she thinks she is, I kid, (sorry mom) told me that, “words are cheap.”  I probably disregarded her profound wisdom at the time (shocker) but life has come full circle, I too am now raising teenagers, and I grasp the weight of what she was saying:  Actions speak louder than words.

For me, evaluating this is both a call to action and a mwah mwah mwah moment… you are flubbing this one up lady.  In my core, way down deep, I know me.  I am not always spot on with how I communicate who I am, and I’m 100% certain that I don’t act accordingly all the time…  I also know that who I am is not who ANYONE else on the whole earth is (that probably is good news for some), therefore what I value is about me, and not my expectations on those around me. 

Where am I going with this?  This year, in our family (which includes our close friends), just like most families, a lot of things have changed.  We have had marriages, deaths, births, illness, divorce, graduations, oh and then there was that raising growing humans that are ever changing, to name a few.  Some of these life events have been obvious causes for mass celebration, while others have been life-changing wounds that can only be bandaged by the grace of our creator.  What I’ve learned from each of these altering times is that the things that I spend frequent time on have NOTHING to do with these concrete events that will forever be imprinted in my heart. 

If someone were to have a camera rolling in my house every moment of every day they may find me surfing Anthropologies sales (of which I fill my cart frequently, then close it down without purchasing- but man those 3 hours were so worth it- yeah right) Nordstrom’s shoes (because those Valentino’s with someone else’s credit card would be awesome on these feet) reading the news etc…. Although I’m throwing myself under the bus a bit, it’s the truth, and the real truth is that I make excuses about not having time for things that I say truly do mean the world to me. Let’s take my grandma’s, for instance. They are both alive.  How cool is that right?  Do you think I call them regularly?  NO!!!  I sure can find time to learn about the most romantic destination in the world- I could give you details about the dinners they serve there.   I can’t, however, tell you what my grandma had for dinner last night, because I ‘didn’t have time’ to call her/them.  That pains me deeply because it’s just an excuse- and a sad one at that.  The truth of the matter is that if something matters to you YOU MAKE THE TIME.   The problem is:  THEY DO MATTER TO ME, but I don’t make the time nearly enough.  At the end of the day all we have is time.  We can buy new clothes, shoes, faces etc… but you can’t buy time.   

 The cool thing about time is that we all have the same amount in a day.  Time knows no demographic boundary, or socio-economic status.  No matter who you are, or where you are, we all have 24 hours in a day.  How we each use our time is up to us. So that brings me back to the beginning: Is what I value and who I value, reflected in where my time is allotted?  Do I give people lip service or do I give them me?  I try really hard to honestly evaluate this regularly.  I find a lot of times I could be doing a much better job.

My family (close friends included) is everything to me.  Recently, an extremely important person in our life passed away.  During that tragedy we ‘found the time’ (it’s ridiculous to even articulate it that way) to make it up there quite a few times to be with them.  So I need to ask the question of myself… Why did it take an absolutely tragic situation for us to make the time to go be with some of our favorite people on earth?  We would give anything to get back the opportunity to be sitting around a table telling jokes or solving the worlds problems… like how the Packers are going to win the Super Bowl.  That’s big stuff right there.  All kidding aside,  when I reflect on these things, it pains me to know that what I value, who I am, doesn’t always align with where I give of myself on a daily basis.

Last year we took an amazing opportunity for our family.  We spent 7 weeks in Tuscany (which upon my return it kept my heart…. so that’s good… or not).  Anyway I digress, must be my age.  Those weeks were filled with joy, excitement, blossoming friendships, deep love, and truthfully some loneliness.  I missed my people.  Some close to me were really aware of it.  My friend Anndrea gets me.  She knew that although my gypsy soul loves adventure I’m still a homebody introvert that needs her own safety: her people.  Sooooo, she got on a plane and travelled across the ocean, ALONE, to be with my kids and I.  She took time from her family (who I thank profusely) and time off of work to come and wrap my security blanket (her) around me so that I felt valued and loved.  Yes, it was a cool way to see Europe for the first time, but it was also a gesture of selflessness that imprinted deeply on me.  She was present.   I remind myself, frequently, of this gesture because it wasn’t full of meaningless words that never came to fruition….she took action.  Her “I miss you,” translated into “I’m coming to see you.”

So many actions that I frequently observe have made me obsess about making sure I raise kids that add value to this world instead of sucking it out for their own good.  There are such great people out there that give of themselves to so many.  To the dismay of some, I don’t put emphasis on what my kids look like or how well they are at a particular thing (unless they care about it).  I, instead, want them to open doors, smile at strangers, care about how others are feeling and to be honest representations of themselves.  I want them to talk with their walk instead of their mouths.  I pray that they will invest in people and the betterment thereof instead of their next shoe purchase or the car they drive.  (Yeah so kids...DON’T DO WHAT YOUR MOTHER DOES, sorry but the shoe thing....)

If everyone, BEGINNING WITH ME, could allow their time to be a reflection of their values then we would be talking less about all of this anarchy we see in the world and more about the goodness.  Somewhere along the way we, collectively, have lost track by believing that this world is all about us.  We think that shopping for sale clothes is more important than calling our 92 year old grandma.  We believe that what we look like is more important than who we are.  We buy into the fact that our own needs are more important than someone else’s needs.  Truthfully, we can’t get time back.  It doesn’t matter what we look like when we aren’t here any more.  No body is going to care about my new shoes in heaven… but my grandma's and I would have always had those conversations that I was just too busy to make.  I think I better call them both today!

Seasons of Life

As a young mom of kids that were JUST over a year apart and then another one a few years later I used to dream about getting through a day without any crying meltdowns.  I literally would count hours in between tears and wonder what it could possibly feel like to be without hysterics for one single day.

Going to the bathroom alone, showering sans numerous eyes peeking in on me, sitting down…. I WANTED A CLEAN HOUSE- like baseboards that sparkled clean.  They all felt like the most unattainable presents- if only I could do them alone!!  I wanted not to be trapped in my house watching the trees turn from green to gold to red, while still sitting there when the first flakes began to fall.

I say all of these things because at the time I was overwhelmed and exhausted (I thought).  I couldn’t wait for my kids to get ‘a little bit older’ so we could….. you can fill in the blank- we all have them.  I was wishing my season away because I thought the next would be the pinnacle.

I thought when they could dress themselves, feed themselves and God forbid wipe themselves I would have arrived.  (I don't know where I thought I was going but I would KNOW it when I got there.)

One of the best days of our life. 8/7/2008

Although no one would have been able to tell the younger me- and people tried- it's hard to hear when you're in the trenches…..those years were the most messily precious years of my life.  I would give anything to go back and do it again.   I wouldn’t have wished a single moment away- because it truly does go by SOOOO quickly.  Sure it was loud and chaotic, but it was also sweet and innocent.  We were surviving, in many instances, rather than living, but we were also all together. 

Today those little feet are bigger than mine (for the most part).  Their squeaky voices are deep.  They don’t have tantrums every day (well when they do they sound a heck of a lot different- and certainly not as cute).  They let me use the bathroom and shower alone (thank heavens for all of us) and I can sit down whenever I so choose-slight exaggeration.  My house- when I put the effort in- can get really clean.  Guess what?   I dream now about the crying meltdowns, the lack of privacy, and not having any time to sit alone because I had one (or three) of them on my lap.   I long for stepping on Legos in the middle of the night and nearly breaking my leg.  I want nothing more than to be up in the wee hours with my sweet baby that just wants to hold my hand or rub my face while they eat……That was the fruit of life and I didn’t quite realize it in that season.  In some ways I allowed it to pass me by instead of inhaling every part of it.  I crave those moments. 

I’m trying to learn a lesson, now, that the younger me didn’t, and appreciate this season of life too.  They are bigger but they are vibrant.  They are full of knowledge (and apparently, according to them, I lack it these days). Their life is ahead of them.  Their wings are starting to spread (so much of me would like to clip them).  They have views on the world and life that are their own and it’s beautiful and terrifying!  I recognize now that I only get them for a season of their life, to me it's been everything, to them it will be but a stroke on their huge canvas.

I truthfully don’t want to always appreciate this season.  I love Little House on the Prairie and the simplicity it represents.  The problem is that even when I had it I didn’t recognize it as such.  I feel like that can be true for a lot of us.  We may be in a season but we don’t really see it- we can’t wait to get out of it instead of embracing it for what it is- LIFE. 

I’m learning that no matter what season I’m in, I want to be IN it!!   I don’t want to miss a single moment because I'm waiting for the next season to get here.  I want to be present, bathe in it and immerse myself so that when I leave that season for the next, I look back and remember the flowers, the sun, the leaves and the snow for what it was- a precious season of life.

Essentially Tuscan- A journey home

It took awhile for me to process our Tuscan journey.  I’ve hesitated to write because I was filled with emotions and felt as though I needed to sort through some things.  I’m certain my words will fall short but my heart is still an array of emotions that bubble over.  On my birthday, before my family arrived, I snapped a picture of my boots, walking to the car for one last journey up the hill with my kids, by myself.  I realized that it would probably be the last time on this trip that the four of us would be alone and I wanted to soak it all in.  We experienced things together that will forever be a part of us and I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to aknowlege this to them.  I was beyond excited for Jon and my family to come yet I was fully aware that our time there was nearing its end.  It was both bitter and sweet.  This picture and the image in my head that it creates is significant for so many reasons. 

The obvious ones to me were that that hill that caused me so much trepidation weeks earlier called me to it one last time on my own.   I had no fear this time- almost a sadness that this was it.  Simply, I had done it.  I had conquered my fears and I had made it to the home stretch.  I was, once again, so grateful for the opportunity, for the adventure, and for the beautiful souls that touched our lives deeply.  It was also incredibly hard and in that moment when I snapped the picture I was beaming because I had done something that at one point I really wanted to give up on.  It can be hard to state aloud that you are proud of yourself but standing on that stoop I was proud.  Not only that I did it, but that the three kids standing before me adapted to a life that was significantly different than their own (being taken away from their church, activities and friends) for 7 weeks and they did it with grace and enthusiasm (for the most part- ha).  We could all learn from the resilience children display and the open hearts that they possess to new people and different surroundings. Our kids met friends that they adored and they adapted to life quite beautifully.

I thought about how in this life we need to take opportunities because each YES adds another beautiful brush stroke to our lives.  We met people that will forever be a part of our story.  These people taught me so much about myself, and who I wanted to be, without even knowing they were doing it.  I also instantaneously thought that sometimes the bravest thing you can do is say NO to an opportunity.

I felt full of love for the beautiful city of Cortona.  The place is overflowing with magic and abundant peace.  I watched the walled city on the hill nearly the entire drive up there and I felt in awe that we had had the opportunity to immerse ourselves in this fairy tale.  There is no place on earth, that I’ve found, quite like Cortona, Italy.  I crave it like I crave the wine that the area produces- and that’s saying something.  Even as I sit here today I feel a certain longing. I was even more grateful that because of the generosity and kindness of our friend Pamela we were introduced to Tania and Keith, their amazing olive oil and their loving community.  They took the time and care, before they left, to introduce us to some of the most beautiful, gentle and giving people that allowed us to feel like Cortona was home and that we were one of theirs for a bit.  They, and their people, exude beauty.  WHO these people plainly are made me realize who I need to be better at being.  Whether they know it or not they radiate Gods love in their actions and their deeds.

When we got up to the city that day, knowing that our family would be there in a few short hours, I started to shake on the inside.  In fact typing this, is bringing back similar emotions and my hands are starting to perspire.  I was full of gratitude and love for sure…. I was also filled with guilt and longing.  Although the decision for our family to take this opportunity was made by Jon and I, together, being a world away took its toll.  He was exhausted from trying to stay up late enough to talk to us in the morning and traveling to see us. I knew it and I felt responsible for it.  I was tired because I was trying to keep it all together and not waste what we had been given.  I was bursting with guilt that although we were able to give our children this amazing experience all any of us really wanted was to be home and to be together as a family of five.  I needed my partner in life, and they needed their dad, and even if we were in this beautiful fairy tale land-when he wasn’t there a HUGE part of all of us was missing and totally incomplete.  

When we were coming out of the city, heading down that not so scary hill, to meet Jon and the gang, I looked at my boots one last time.  Our journey led us a world away and afforded us the opportunity to meet people that we otherwise wouldn’t have met, most likely, but it was time for these boots to go home.  My greatest journey is the one I'm on every day with our family of five, and as the wife of my partner.  I will never stop taking opportunities, my gypsy soul requires them, but God willing, my hand will be interlaced with his and for the time being 6 other feet will be with ours in this journey of life.   Tuscany, Cortona specifically, will continue to draw us back… our people are there, but the boots that I wear, even today as I type, are grateful to be home.  Home is not only where my heart is (some of it remains in Cortona), it’s where all my people lay their heads each night- it’s the opportunity that I said yes to 19 years ago- and the greatest journey of my life.

Essentially Tuscan-Otto

As I get closer and closer to the end of this amazing journey I am truthfully both excited to go see my people (and fury creatures) at home and sad for the 'home' that I'm leaving behind.  There is something about this magical place that imprints on your heart so deeply that even a fleeting thought of leaving stirs up a sense of longing.  There are things that I've learned and witnessed that I need to make my own at home, and I fear that I won't.  

How do we slow down?  How do we appreciate each other?  How do we have family meals every day?  How do we hold on to everything that is soooo good about the country we live in while learning from cultures that out date us and know a thing or two about survival and the good things in life.  

I find myself hoping that when I'm a bit older, and my kids have left the nest, my friends and I will meet and share life just like this.  On any given night, while I sit, taking it all in, on the steps in Piazza Repubblica, they come.  They come from different directions and meet in this middle sanctuary.  I can't understand what they are saying and maybe my romantically formed notions have missed their mark- but I don't think so.  I bet they are talking about the weather, their families (who are probably steps away), the world and I KNOW THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT FOOD!  It's simple and it's real!  I'm enthralled with the idea that they aren't calling each other to schedule a time to meet.  They are doing life together and meeting daily in this special place because no matter how hard they work they take time to value each other.

If you sit in a café, sipping on your ‘TO DIE FOR’ Café Espresso, out of your real piece of china (slight exaggeration) you witness families meeting, talking and oh my goodness eating together. (Craziest thing- it’s ok to consume calories here.)  I digress.  One thing you don’t often see is people checking their cell phones.  They aren’t distracted by the world. They are content with where they are and who they are with.  You don’t see people walking with their head down because heaven for bid they run into someone they have to talk to.  They stop and chat.  They smile, they speak loudly and there are a lot of happy hand gestures flailing about.  IT’S BEAUTIFUL!!! 

There is an entirely unique quality about it that I’ve never found anywhere else.  If it were a musical composition the harmony would be perfect.  There is a sense of familiarity and reliability that is hard to find in most places on earth.   For the kids and I, we have found a sense of peace in the fact that we can walk up Via Guelfa and people that we recognize or have personally met are saying “Ciao” (which is reserved for someone you are familiar with) to us.  It feels like you belong.   (FACT:  Via Guelfa will literally kill you and I’ve found it to be awesome, silent punishment for sassiness- it is so steep!) 

The familial way of doing things around here is on display for the world, literally, to see.  There have been a few times, while quietly witnessing (i.e. people watching) the world around me, I have felt this deep sense that they are trying to teach us all something about how the world could look if we all got back to our roots.  

In my appreciation for all that is right with Tuscany, and more specifically Cortona, I have not lost my love and pride for all that is right in my own country and my home town as well.  I admit, I'm in love with this place, but I love my home.  I pray that I hold on to the values I've witnessed being lived out here!!  When I walk back down Via Guelfa for the last time on this particular journey I will forever be grateful that we were afforded the opportunity to learn and grow from the magical presence of this place.  It's part of each of us!  I will deeply miss my new friends and we will long to come back, but we will certainly take with us something that this place helped us focus on and strengthen just by being here:  EACH OTHER.

Essentially Tuscan Sette

Most people come to Tuscany to capture that romantic fire that they dream about.  Stepping backing in time and reliving history is right up there too.  They, most likely, also come to eat the delicious cuisine and drink fine wine.  CHECK.  CHECK. CHECK. AND CHECK.  All of these things churned in my soul and encouraged our journey here.

In coming here on holiday or a romantic vacation, however, you would most likely stay in a cute B&B (I have suggestions if you need some) or a charming hotel.  The challenge of the size of the bathroom and the lack of warmth in the room would most definitely be viewed as a sweet inconvenience because well- you’re in Tuscany- and that amazing breakfast that you’re going to have prepared for you tomorrow morning will be fabulous.   The walled cities and Etruscan tombs are literally surrounding you.  Your eyes take in splendor with every turn of your head….. This truly is paradise. 

What you don’t see when you come here on holiday or a romantic vacation is the reality of life.  The simplicity that still exists is beyond what I, as an American, could really comprehend at first.  (Like- I get my gas pumped-how cool is that?) Things that are after thoughts for me, take time and energy out of the day for the people that live here.  The modern conveniences that we are afforded in the States and that are abundantly commonplace for us are just not part of their lives.  (I’m not complaining!!!)  At home, when the outside temperature dips below that dreaded level that is a tad bit uncomfortable- we complain to anyone who will listen that we “CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S COLD” (even though we live in the Midwest) and begrudgingly go turn that little dial or Lord Help Us have to lift our arm to touch the pad and SILENCE….. our heat turns on.  It may smell ‘hot’ for 10 minutes or so, having been dormant for 6 months, and then just like that there is warm, even air penetrating our whole homes.  Yeah, so that’s not the case here.  The air, in the wintertime, is relatively, cool and damp (and this has been a beautiful year).  In our home, here, we heat the house with a good old fashioned fire place – oh the horror- and a Stofa.  (I think it’s pronounced STOOFA- but for the first few weeks we called it the Stoofala- we had warm feelings that is would be like a cozy couch-HA)  It’s actually a beautiful red stove looking contraption that requires me to clean it every day- sometimes twice a day.  I look like the craziest chimney sweep when it’s all over.  We then fill the back of the stove with pellets and turn it on.  For the first few nights alone here, I didn’t sleep.  Being that I don’t even turn my own heat on- you know by pressing a button- I was a tad bit uncomfortable hearing and seeing what felt like a raging fire burning brightly in a stove in between the beds where my children laid their heads.  I envisioned the conversations that would erupt, from some, that my crazy whim to show the kids the world ended with me burning us all and this few hundred year old house down.  Stable, I know!  For the most part, the Stofa does a great job heating the bedrooms but there have been a few days here where coats and blankets, lots of socks and possibly gloves have been required to read a book on the couch.  This is true in any of these homes here.  They are old (which we love) and this is their reality.  The things that we don’t even think about- they work really hard for!!!

Speaking of reality…. CLOTHES!!!  At home, I have no problem doing laundry.  I throw the clothes in the wash.  Take them out, put them in the dryer.  When the dryer is done I place them on the counter and pray my Folding Fairy will wiggle her nose.  I HATE FOLDING LAUNDRY.  People around here, if they have a washing machine, wash their clothes, take them out and then hang them from cords with these pin things suspended floors up above your head as you walk the streets.  People still use CLOTHESLINES!! (I joke.)  Dryers are a true luxury around here.  I love underwear and bra day- I think I would walk the hills more if I were displaying my underwear for everyone to see too- got to keep myself out of having to wear granny panties!! All of my kidding aside- laundry is done based on weather around here.  I currently am drying sheets for the second day in a row- because I don’t have the weather thing down and it frosted a bit last night!!  The clothes smell amazing when they come in off the line but they can take days to dry.  I’ve come to appreciate placing clothes on the line here- my backdrop is Cortona up on the hill.  It makes dropping the clean clothes on the gravel- EVERY SINGLE TIME- worth every granule that ends up down my shirt when I put them on. 

Elderly woman here are hanging their clothes on the line the exact way I'm describing- only way more efficiently.  I'm embarrassed  by them in high heels, with awesome calves, basically running up the streets as if they were nothing to get groceries, and carrying them back down to prepare an epic meal by most peoples standards.  (Mind you, they are schooling me in my flat boots, huffing my way up.)  They aren't sitting around saying they are old.  They're working- HARD!!  Men of all ages are up and moving, sweeping off store front stoops, tending land and doing chores, chores, chores.  One gentlemen- always in a red sweater, has been at his produce shop every single time I've gone to the city- EARLY morning and late evening... working... working... working.  He's always smiling! They are all cleaning their stoves (or other such heating elements) so that they can sleep without frost on their noses, hanging their clothes on the line- giving new meaning to laundry day (it’s like a week- then you start again), every aspect of their lives is necessary and hard work but it's also a complete labor of love.  All of these things are part of who they are what they do.  Their simple lives are complex by the standards I live by at home because my 'work' doesn't tend to be laborious like theirs.  Families help each other out, and many times live together, allowing every person to help with these labors.  Roles tend to be traditional, which for the rest of the world may seem archaic but as a grateful voyeur into their word, I see beauty and romance blossom out of the HARD work and strength of all that dwell here.

Essentially Tuscan Sei

One can’t be in Tuscany and not be overwhelmed with the all-consuming beauty.   I have been taken, as I have said, by the simple kindness of the people that have been abundantly generous to me and mine.  I would be remiss without acknowledging, however, how the actual landscape and architecture stirs up much emotion inside of me-the history that it represents certainly is part of it- but I think there is more to it.

On a recent tour with our friend Starr, from travelstotuscany.com, we were walking up to the top of Cortona.  Starr was brilliantly speaking- while we were struggling with every step to make it to the top.  (The struggle is real- these people must not ever have to work out because those hills will kill you- and I LOVE IT.)   As I looked around and looked back at Starr I was immediately envious of the fact that she lived in this beautiful Etruscan town.  Daily, she and her family, are surrounded by the kind of beauty and history that cannot be captured, only experienced- and they are LIVING IT!  

We were standing in front of a church named Church of San Niccolo, which was built in the 15th century.  We were unable to go in but a fresco by Luca Signorelli’s is in this church.   He was a great Renaissance artist who was born in Cortona.  The Diocese Museum here has many of his works.  We also visited the Duomo in Orvieto with a brilliant painting that should be a must see for anyone visiting Tuscany. I found myself imagining the days that he painted.  I longed to know what his conditions would have been like.  I was in awe of the fact that he walked those same hills and saw many if not most of the same sights that my eyes were having the privilege of focusing on right that very moment.  I was grateful and humbled to be afforded such brilliant experiences that would forever be stamped on our hearts.

As we walked on we exited the walls through one of the famous archways- a gateway to the city- I again was astounded by the solid structure itself (perplexed and astonished by the enormity being as the builders were not afforded modern conveniences) as well as ideas dancing through my head about how it would have been to enter these very gates in Medieval days.  The stories were running rampant.

During our amazing walk by the famous Bramasole from Under the Tuscan Sun- I would gaze out at the stunning valley below and yearn to know the history that was.   I’m not just talking about the stuff that makes the history books (Starr rocked that) I’m also talking about ordinary families.  Every place my eyes gaze I look at the doors and wondered: who crossed that threshold.  What decisions were made in those walls?  What meals have been prepared?  Who has born?  Who passed?  There are years and years of undeniable history within these walls and beyond that are begging us to learn their story.   My heart skips a beat and I feel the excitement boiling over. Every time I walk into the walls I get excited for the beauty that is encapsulated there- each time finding something new to tickle my curiosity.   This is a place that exudes art, music, culture, peace and family. 

On December 8- we we were privileged to experience the Tree Lighting Ceremony.  The SIMPLE pomp and circumstance surrounding it were magical- but not as captivating as stealing glances at the families experiencing this tradition together.  Generations of family members were pushing strollers up these steep hills to come and witness this simply beautiful tree be lighted.  If there could have been a bubble placed over Piazza della Repubblica it would have been bursting with love and peace.

Although a bit surreal, the utter sweetness was so appreciated. The tradition and symbolism of this sweet time were apparent.  Clearly, families attended these special events as one.

Uploaded by Elizabeth Mitts on 2015-12-10.

…. And then it hit me…. I know why this place has a piece of my heart.  I know why I yearn to keep driving up there for a stroll or to go say a prayer.  I’m piecing together why this place still looks the way it did back then.  I’m understanding why I want to enter every door and ask them their story.  I’m realizing why I find myself staring at the locals having a meal.  It’s about family.   These families make the landscape and the architecture more beautiful because their energy and their souls are flowing through these inner walls like water (or good wine hee hee).  They preserve what they have because they find value in its history.  They seem to be content with their own and they aren’t searching the world for anything because they have it right here at home-their family and the tradition that that unit carries with it.   Whether it is the Cortonese’s that have been here for generation after generation or the Ex-Pat community that truly have created their own BEAUTIFUL family….each of them is content and peaceful in their life because they have what matters most- each other.