I remember when I found out that I was carrying you, I couldn’t wait to get to meet you.
I remember when I felt you move for the first time, I couldn’t wait to get to touch that little baby hand.
I remember the day you were born and how I couldn’t wait to get to hear you scream so that I knew you were going to be ok.
I remember when your sister and brother saw you for the very first time, and I couldn’t wait to get to see all of you become friends.
I remember when you first learned how to talk, I couldn’t wait to get to have a conversation with you because I wanted to know everything that you thought and felt.
I remember when we went on our first international adventure, I couldn’t wait to get to see everything new and exciting through your eyes.
I have watched you grow each step of your way. It felt slow at first, sometimes the days feel like they may go on for years. The exhaustion is real, and as moms we get caught up in the monotony of each day. Instead of really being immersed in every moment we start becoming living checklists. Make sure the clothes are clean. Check. Do they have a nutritious dinner? Check. Are their sheets done? Check. Did they do their homework? Check. Brush their teeth? Check. Without warning, however, these moments and days started to speed up and I longed to lasso time, and was/am mad at myself for prioritizing the damn checklists. For a while now I have known that time needed to slow down, because I knew the best job in the whole world was quickly fading away. Each day, every season, through the months and years I have always appreciated the culmination of moments with complete gratitude, but it always felt like there were going to be so many more with you at home, and I couldn’t wait for each and every one of them.
This year I’ve watched around corners and when you didn’t know I was looking and saw a young man who has gone above and beyond in ways that any articulation would fall short. To be honest I not only have watched you, I see you, and as grandpa used to say, “BY GOLLY I really like ya.” Through pure observation you have displayed your character and heart in enormous ways. You have shown compromise, conviction, loyalty and above all LOVE that is far more mature, pure and developed than most people who are double or triple your age. I looked at you and thought, more times than I can count, I get to be HIS mom. How was I so blessed? I respect and appreciate your assessments and wisdom more than you will ever know.
Although I sit here with tears flooding my eyes (not sure I can even see what I’m writing) they are tears that are hard to untangle. I am so happy for you and also will miss you desperately. Tears that are so delighted for you to blaze your own path, find your own way, fine tune all of the characteristics that make you perfectly you and above all continue on a mature walk with God. They are also tears because I long for those slow and monotonous days of knowing that you were in the room next door to me, playing outside or fishing in our backyard. I could see you at any moment, and that was a treasure. THOSE WERE ACTUALLY THE DAYS. My tears also come from a place of complete honor and gratitude for the opportunity that I was chosen to be your mom.
As the next few months speed by with a velocity that I do not prefer, and I am annoyingly trying to make you your favorite meals, ask you what you want to do today and fill you with every piece of home to remind you of to take on your new journey, please forgive me for holding on a little too tightly. I always knew this part of the journey was coming, and I can’t wait to see all that it will become, but I remembered a little too late that I don’t get to go with you this time.